1
00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:05,129
(theme music playing)

2
00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:22,220
Hey, Uncle Bernie,
are you going to tell a story
about me tonight in your show?

3
00:00:22,297 --> 00:00:24,014
Here's a little story
I'm going to tell.

4
00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:25,907
You don't hurry up
and get that tie,

5
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,392
my two hands will be the last
thing you wear around your neck.

6
00:00:27,469 --> 00:00:29,278
Now give me a reason
to tell it, Jordan.

7
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:33,732
Look, Uncle Bernie.
I made this picture for you.

8
00:00:33,809 --> 00:00:34,900
It's for your
dressing room.

9
00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,276
Baby Girl, thank you.

10
00:00:36,353 --> 00:00:38,361
I'm telling you,
it's going with me.

11
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:39,863
Go ahead, get
ready for school.

12
00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,582
Thank you,
sweetheart.

13
00:00:42,192 --> 00:00:43,492
Hey, little mama.

14
00:00:43,568 --> 00:00:46,119
Okay, so everything
is taken care of.

15
00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:48,330
I'm dropping the kids
off at school,

16
00:00:48,406 --> 00:00:51,041
Mrs. Pounder is going
to pick Bryana up,

17
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:53,210
Jordan has his
play date with Byron

18
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:56,088
and Vanessa has her
slumber party to go to,

19
00:00:56,164 --> 00:00:57,964
so who's got
you covered?

20
00:00:58,041 --> 00:00:59,299
You do, baby.

21
00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:00,550
You're going to be there
tonight, aren't you?

22
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:01,768
I wouldn't
miss it.

23
00:01:01,845 --> 00:01:03,053
Mm, I'm going
to have Jerry

24
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,763
leave you some tickets
at the "will call."

25
00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:06,098
Hey, and
good luck to you

26
00:01:06,174 --> 00:01:07,557
with Wannabe and
the boys, hear me?

27
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:09,392
Honey, Mr. Watanabe.

28
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:10,426
Oh, okay.

29
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,062
And thank you.
You tell 'em.

30
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:13,447
You, too, baby.

31
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,359
Kids, the bus
is leaving!

32
00:01:17,435 --> 00:01:20,695
Hey, Uncle Bernie, can I get
tickets for your show, too?

33
00:01:20,772 --> 00:01:21,905
It's Shannon's birthday and...

34
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,615
No, no.
Oh, come on.

35
00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:26,326
It's her Sweet 16 and she really
wants to see you.

36
00:01:26,403 --> 00:01:28,036
I don't care how sweet it is,

37
00:01:28,113 --> 00:01:29,454
this show
is for mature adults.

38
00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:31,164
Ain't for no little kids,
no girls.

39
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,334
But I'm not a little kid.
I'll be 16 in five months.

40
00:01:34,411 --> 00:01:36,303
You better be a horse doing math
or you better ease up

41
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:37,930
on stomping your foot
around here.

42
00:01:38,006 --> 00:01:39,256
(groans)

43
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:42,259
America,
Nessa picking the fight.

44
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,770
She thinks she can wear me down
and get her way,

45
00:01:44,847 --> 00:01:47,731
but I don't have time
for no teenage power play.

46
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,299
No, no, not today.

47
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,360
Bernie Mac father
has to punch out,

48
00:01:51,436 --> 00:01:53,487
so Bernie Mac entertainer...

49
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,897
can get to work.

50
00:01:57,475 --> 00:01:58,859
This is what
I'm talking about.

51
00:01:58,935 --> 00:02:00,244
Listen to me,

52
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,404
I'm not just talking
any old hot sauce, okay?

53
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,781
Mr. Mac prefers
Blazin' Bayou Sauce

54
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,742
for his pork rinds.
Yes, yeah.

55
00:02:07,819 --> 00:02:09,953
Make sure that you put that
in his dressing room, okay?

56
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,454
Thank you.
What are you doing?

57
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:13,623
How you feeling, killer?
I feel good, man.

58
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,084
It's been a long time
since you prowled the stage,

59
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,335
feel the heat
of the crowd.
Yeah.

60
00:02:17,412 --> 00:02:18,762
You ready?
Doggone right I'm ready.

61
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,380
What's up with
the beard, man?

62
00:02:20,457 --> 00:02:23,175
Oh, okay, this Russian girl
that I'm, you know, we're...

63
00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:24,426
She likes it.

64
00:02:24,502 --> 00:02:25,810
I mean, you know,
it itches like hell,

65
00:02:25,888 --> 00:02:27,387
but you know, she...
we... she likes it.

66
00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:29,222
Do you like it?
It's okay with me.

67
00:02:29,299 --> 00:02:30,899
I thought you were going
to ask me for some money.

68
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:34,477
Ask... well,
that's hilarious.

69
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,605
You getting ready
for your show, warming up?
That's funny stuff.

70
00:02:36,681 --> 00:02:39,816
All right, 2:30 we got
the<i> Sophisticated Man</i>
magazine interview.

71
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,610
It looks like we're going
to have the cover on that.

72
00:02:41,686 --> 00:02:43,403
4:00 sound check, they're
just going to make sure

73
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,906
that they don't, you know,
mix the bass with the treble.

74
00:02:45,982 --> 00:02:47,190
Yeah, yeah,
you got it, baby.

75
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,618
Okay, Bernie,
remember this, okay?

76
00:02:49,694 --> 00:02:51,870
We got a film crew who's
gonna shadow you through
the entire day.

77
00:02:51,947 --> 00:02:53,630
They just want to make sure
that they get some

78
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,424
behind the scenes footage
of the special.

79
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,667
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about my time, though, man?

80
00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:00,545
I see my time scheduled on here.
I need my doggone time.

81
00:03:00,622 --> 00:03:02,547
Will you please chillax?
I'm chillaxed.

82
00:03:02,624 --> 00:03:04,507
Well, just chillax.
Would I forget your time?

83
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,509
I didn't say that.
Would I forget what
the Mac Man needs?

84
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,011
Would I forget
to lace Ali's gloves?

85
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,212
Would I forget
to give a baseball player

86
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:10,597
his go-go juice?
Okay, okay, okay.

87
00:03:10,674 --> 00:03:11,756
You know it.
Right.

88
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:13,516
Now listen to me.
We got Denise scheduled.

89
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,977
Your manicure, pedicure
and facial right after
the fitting.

90
00:03:16,054 --> 00:03:17,821
And then we got Klaus who's
going to be waiting for you,

91
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,440
and he's gonna give you
a nice shiatsu right before
the show.

92
00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:23,285
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

93
00:03:25,146 --> 00:03:26,788
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

94
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:31,076
I ain't soft, America.
It's how I prepare.

95
00:03:31,152 --> 00:03:33,078
I work from the outside in.

96
00:03:33,154 --> 00:03:34,955
If the audience
see a professional,

97
00:03:35,031 --> 00:03:36,248
they hear a professional.

98
00:03:36,324 --> 00:03:38,250
I'm a package deal.

99
00:03:38,326 --> 00:03:40,928
(soul music playing)

100
00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:48,843
What's up, you squares?
You ready for show time?

101
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,554
You come on in my house.
Hey, baby, how you feel?

102
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:54,224
All right, you Keisha?
Hey, Jerry.

103
00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:57,102
Woo!
Snap.

104
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,062
Yeah.
How you
feel?

105
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:02,023
What's up, baby?
How y'all?

106
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:06,236
This is where I start.
Let's get this party started.

107
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:08,154
Let's get
this started.

108
00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:10,415
(school bell rings)

109
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,577
Pop quiz, are you sure?

110
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:17,122
Fin saw Sister Kathleen
at the Xerox machine.

111
00:04:17,198 --> 00:04:19,165
It's going down.
If I flunk another quiz,

112
00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:21,376
my parents will take
away my paintball gun.

113
00:04:21,453 --> 00:04:23,762
Oh, what are we gonna do?

114
00:04:25,248 --> 00:04:28,725
(funky music playing)

115
00:04:44,225 --> 00:04:45,650
BOY: Will I go blind, Father?

116
00:04:45,727 --> 00:04:51,072
Ah, science says no,
but the Lord can be vengeful.

117
00:04:51,149 --> 00:04:52,958
I'd give it a rest
if I were you.

118
00:04:54,527 --> 00:04:57,287
(fire alarm ringing)

119
00:04:57,364 --> 00:05:00,882
ALL (shouting):
Fire! Fire!

120
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,669
As if I didn't know
it was you, Timothy.

121
00:05:04,746 --> 00:05:06,805
And keep your hands
out of the holy water.

122
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:10,300
All right, hold on.
A little snug there, man.

123
00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:12,978
Leave enough room
in the barn for the horse.

124
00:05:13,055 --> 00:05:15,055
Mr. Mac.
What's up, baby?

125
00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:15,939
Thank you, man.

126
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:18,391
Boy, that's kind of heavy--
hold that.

127
00:05:18,468 --> 00:05:20,560
This is soft,
real nice.

128
00:05:20,637 --> 00:05:23,813
Excellent choice, Mr. Mac.
Hold it for me, okay?

129
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:27,108
Yeah, the Mac Man
cometh, baby. Yes, sir.

130
00:05:27,185 --> 00:05:28,651
Hey, Jerry,
look.

131
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,912
Ain't nothing going
to stop me tonight.

132
00:05:30,989 --> 00:05:32,655
Yeah, you look
crack-a-lacking.

133
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:35,283
It's Wanda.
Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.

134
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,535
Hey, baby, what's
going on, gorgeous?
What's happening?

135
00:05:37,612 --> 00:05:41,331
Honey, problem.
Mrs. Pounder can't
watch Bryana.

136
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:42,791
Her daughter just
went into labor

137
00:05:42,867 --> 00:05:44,709
and I called all of
our backups, no luck.

138
00:05:44,786 --> 00:05:47,379
Oh, baby, I don't like
the way this is going.

139
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:50,173
Um, I could pick her up
on lunch, but, honey,

140
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,808
you're gonna
have to watch her.

141
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,478
Come on, baby, I can't have
no kids here, not tonight.

142
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,096
Man, the whole world
is watching.

143
00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:58,973
They're paying $29.99
to see me, babe.
Now, come on.

144
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,184
I know, but, honey, you
have a dressing room.

145
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:04,354
I am in a hotel meeting room.
As soon as I am done here,

146
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:05,980
<i>I will get down there</i>
<i>and I will take over.</i>

147
00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:08,900
Honey, please, you're gonna
have to meet me halfway on this.

148
00:06:08,977 --> 00:06:10,819
I got to go.
Love you. Bye.

149
00:06:10,895 --> 00:06:13,622
Wanda, don't go.
Don't hang up on me.
Wanda, Wanda, come on now.

150
00:06:15,191 --> 00:06:17,659
Hey, man, hey.

151
00:06:17,735 --> 00:06:19,202
My wife, you know, kids--
kid problem.

152
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:20,620
You know how it is.

153
00:06:20,697 --> 00:06:23,706
America, all I want
to do is entertain.

154
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:25,008
Just do my show.

155
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,877
Can't those kids survive
without me for just one day?

156
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,096
Ow!

157
00:06:31,332 --> 00:06:33,016
Stuck again.

158
00:06:42,844 --> 00:06:46,029
(funky music playing)

159
00:06:48,525 --> 00:06:49,649
Look, shrimp!

160
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,151
Not right now,
Baby Girl.

161
00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:52,411
I'm going to set you up
in the dressing room.

162
00:06:52,487 --> 00:06:53,870
They got everything
you need.

163
00:06:55,273 --> 00:06:57,365
Jerry, you didn't say
nothing about Baby Girl

164
00:06:57,442 --> 00:06:58,908
being on the schedule today.

165
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,920
No, but even Baby Girl,
she ain't getting in my way.

166
00:07:01,997 --> 00:07:05,373
No, sir.
Bernie Mac, you gotta stay up.

167
00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:07,000
You gotta stay loose, Mac.

168
00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:09,678
Stay the Mac Man, baby.
Yeah.

169
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:14,674
<i>GIRL: Too young?</i>

170
00:07:14,751 --> 00:07:16,810
I see
R-rated movies.

171
00:07:16,887 --> 00:07:18,311
Well, thanks for
asking, Vanessa.

172
00:07:18,388 --> 00:07:19,663
I guess we'll
just stay home

173
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,014
and make prank phone
calls or something.

174
00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,182
It's so lame.

175
00:07:22,258 --> 00:07:23,716
It's some bull.

176
00:07:23,794 --> 00:07:26,394
If I'm old enough to baby-sit
when Bigfoot wants to go out,

177
00:07:26,471 --> 00:07:29,063
and if I'm old enough to bring
him a beer when he's thirsty,

178
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,032
I'm old enough
to see his show.

179
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,453
Oh, no. We are going.

180
00:07:34,529 --> 00:07:36,037
Yeah.
Yeah.

181
00:07:36,907 --> 00:07:40,167
(up-tempo music playing)

182
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,300
Ooh... oh, yeah.

183
00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:50,886
Yeah, oh, baby.

184
00:07:50,962 --> 00:07:53,546
Sweetheart, don't forget
to rub that baby toe.

185
00:07:53,623 --> 00:07:55,840
WOMAN: This one, Mr. Mac?
Uh-huh.

186
00:07:55,917 --> 00:07:57,734
(phone ringing)

187
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:02,180
Oh, man, I'm in
ecstasy right now, man.
I am not here.

188
00:08:02,257 --> 00:08:03,723
Mac it up.

189
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,266
Uh, no, he's
not here right now.

190
00:08:05,343 --> 00:08:06,559
(indistinct)

191
00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:07,519
Uh, actually,
he just walked in.

192
00:08:07,595 --> 00:08:08,895
Hold on one second.

193
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,564
It's Father Cronin.
Remind me to fire you later.

194
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:13,942
Yeah, sure.
Hello, this is Mac.

195
00:08:14,018 --> 00:08:15,568
<i>CRONIN: Mr. Mac.</i>
Yeah.

196
00:08:15,645 --> 00:08:17,028
<i>There's been a fire--</i>

197
00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,905
What, a fire?
Relax, Mr. Mac.

198
00:08:18,982 --> 00:08:20,990
You're gonna
crack your face.

199
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,033
What?

200
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:22,909
(indistinct)

201
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,244
Was anybody burnt?

202
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,578
(indistinct)

203
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:27,422
Oh, a fire alarm.

204
00:08:28,825 --> 00:08:30,083
Well, why you
need me to come dow--?

205
00:08:30,159 --> 00:08:33,294
(indistinct)

206
00:08:33,371 --> 00:08:34,613
Okay, Father.

207
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:41,844
He's one of
the Felonious Four, Mr. Mac.

208
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:43,897
They're all being sent home.

209
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,892
Look, Father,
I'm in agreeance with you,

210
00:08:47,969 --> 00:08:50,228
but I only have three hours
before showtime, okay?

211
00:08:50,305 --> 00:08:53,273
Mr. Mac, where there is crime
there is punishment.

212
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:56,150
And where there is punishment
there is me.

213
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:58,278
Father, we're on the same page.
I'll tell you what.

214
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,905
How 'bout I beat the living
hell out of the boy first
thing in the morning?

215
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:04,543
When it comes to vetting
justice, I prefer it swift
and to the point.

216
00:09:04,619 --> 00:09:06,202
(claps) True that.
Look--

217
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,162
May the blessings be.
Absolutely.

218
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,622
Bernie, if I may?

219
00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:11,925
Your Excellency,
hi, I'm Jerry Best.

220
00:09:13,870 --> 00:09:16,254
Awesome.
I'm Bernie Mac's manager.

221
00:09:16,331 --> 00:09:18,339
Ah, Hollywood
type.

222
00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:20,842
I thought I could smell
the sin on you.

223
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:23,136
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's just Aramis.

224
00:09:23,212 --> 00:09:25,054
(chuckles)

225
00:09:25,131 --> 00:09:29,058
Your Holiness, um, this is
a really important day
for my client.

226
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:32,445
The boy's gone.
Case closed.

227
00:09:32,522 --> 00:09:34,397
You got food,
water, toilet.

228
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,575
And I want you to sit there
with your sister and
be miserable.

229
00:09:36,651 --> 00:09:39,494
And don't even think about
the word "fun," you hear me?

230
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:44,282
(exasperated sigh)
All right, you
ready, bro,

231
00:09:44,359 --> 00:09:45,783
or do you, uh,
need some more time?

232
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:47,243
'Cause if you need
some more time,

233
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,371
whatever you want, it's
your day, all right?

234
00:09:50,448 --> 00:09:53,708
Oh, yeah, just so you know,
the reporter from<i> Debonair's</i>
here right now.

235
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,302
Yeah, right, my day.

236
00:09:57,964 --> 00:10:00,173
And what's it been like working
with Brad Pitt?

237
00:10:00,249 --> 00:10:01,057
Brad?

238
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,851
B.P.?
Baby, he's a trip.

239
00:10:02,927 --> 00:10:04,302
Really?
'Cause he's so
doggone pretty.

240
00:10:04,379 --> 00:10:06,471
All the makeup artists,
all the ladies,

241
00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:09,432
just hover over him
like a bunch of moths,
you know what I mean?

242
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,976
He is pretty.
He and Prince. I don't
know who's the prettiest.

243
00:10:12,053 --> 00:10:14,312
I have to flip a coin.
BRYANA: Give it back!

244
00:10:14,389 --> 00:10:15,855
JORDAN: Make me! Ow!

245
00:10:15,932 --> 00:10:19,275
That's my ear! Stop it!
Excuse me.

246
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,820
Shut up!
You see what I'm in
there trying to do.

247
00:10:22,897 --> 00:10:25,531
Every time I try to do
something y'all come up in
here and try to mess it up.

248
00:10:25,608 --> 00:10:27,659
I'll use your heads like
a bunch of click-clacks,

249
00:10:27,735 --> 00:10:29,336
I'll click them
together-- now shut up.

250
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,747
Ooh, excuse me.
You know, kids.

251
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:34,999
I have to play with them
sometimes, you know?

252
00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:36,376
So let's talk pre-show.

253
00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:38,336
How do you get into
that whole vibe?

254
00:10:38,413 --> 00:10:40,922
How do I prepare?
(kids shouting)

255
00:10:40,998 --> 00:10:44,217
I'll tell you how I prepare.
I, you know, uh...

256
00:10:44,293 --> 00:10:47,011
What was it again?
Your pre-show vibe.

257
00:10:47,088 --> 00:10:48,888
What do you
do to prepare for that?

258
00:10:48,965 --> 00:10:50,765
(kids arguing)
I tell...

259
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:52,392
Excuse me.

260
00:10:52,468 --> 00:10:53,893
(muttering)

261
00:10:53,970 --> 00:10:55,436
I didn't mean to knock
your glasses off.

262
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:56,521
Now pick them up.

263
00:10:56,597 --> 00:10:58,147
I'm telling you.

264
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:02,110
(indistinct scolding)

265
00:11:02,186 --> 00:11:04,362
Drink up and shut up and
let me finish in peace.

266
00:11:08,192 --> 00:11:09,742
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

267
00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:11,577
You know, what
was the question?

268
00:11:11,654 --> 00:11:13,546
We were...
(knocking)

269
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,792
What?!
Big Papa, listen.

270
00:11:17,869 --> 00:11:20,670
You have a sound check now.

271
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,839
What's crack-
a-lacking?

272
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:24,474
Are you, uh, are
you represented?

273
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,894
Testing, one, two, three.
One, two, three.

274
00:11:27,971 --> 00:11:29,454
Two on two,
two on four.

275
00:11:29,531 --> 00:11:32,107
Jordan, sit your butt down
on that chair, man,

276
00:11:32,183 --> 00:11:33,817
before I come
and knock your chest off.

277
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:36,769
Jordan! Somebody grab that boy
and sit him in his seat for me.

278
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:39,439
Jordan, if you don't...
You checking it?

279
00:11:39,515 --> 00:11:41,149
Yeah, I'm checking it.
Come on. We're done.

280
00:11:41,225 --> 00:11:42,942
Sit down!
You sound great.

281
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:45,120
Speakers love you.
We're ready. Come on.

282
00:11:45,196 --> 00:11:47,697
Jerry, when am I gonna
get my time? You know
I need my time.

283
00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:49,782
You're gonna get your time.
Ask me what time it is.

284
00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:51,242
What time is it?
It's time that you're
going to get your time.

285
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,785
(phone ringing)
Oh. Hold on, hold on.

286
00:11:52,862 --> 00:11:55,455
Come on.
Hello.

287
00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,166
<i>WANDA: Honey?</i>
Oh, Wanda.
Where are you, sweetheart?

288
00:11:58,242 --> 00:11:59,592
Thought you said you were gonna
come down here and help me.

289
00:11:59,669 --> 00:12:03,004
Sorry, hon. It's been one
tradition after another.

290
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,631
Now Mr. Watanabe wants
to honor our new partnership

291
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:07,216
with a tea ceremony.

292
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,968
<i>Sweetheart, give him</i>
<i>some Lipton tea</i>

293
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:10,428
<i>and bring your butt</i>
<i>on down here!</i>

294
00:12:10,505 --> 00:12:12,054
The curtain opens up
in less than an hour.

295
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:14,974
I know this is terrible timing,
but what can I do?

296
00:12:15,051 --> 00:12:17,477
Now Wanda talking about
she can't make it, man.

297
00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:19,771
This is some bull, man.
Nothing going my way.

298
00:12:19,847 --> 00:12:21,439
All right.
Look, Uncle Bernie.

299
00:12:21,516 --> 00:12:23,483
I added a rainbow to
your good luck picture.

300
00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:25,485
I don't care
what you did, Baby Girl.

301
00:12:25,561 --> 00:12:26,878
I don't care.

302
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,070
Look, Jerry,
you want to help me, man?

303
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:29,447
Help get all these leeches
off me, man.

304
00:12:29,524 --> 00:12:31,499
Okay, you can say
that to the camera.

305
00:12:33,069 --> 00:12:36,496
Oh. Leeches--
that's just a term
of endearment.

306
00:12:36,572 --> 00:12:38,331
Cut the camera.
What's the camera on
for, anyway?

307
00:12:38,407 --> 00:12:40,249
Cut that camera off.
What is it doing
on anyway?

308
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,293
We have five minutes.
Let's everyone take
five minutes now.

309
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,869
BERNIE: Thank you.
Out.

310
00:12:43,947 --> 00:12:45,421
I know you need your time.
You're gonna get it right here.

311
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:48,224
Thank you.
(loud, unusual vocal warmup)

312
00:12:48,918 --> 00:12:52,520
(music playing)

313
00:12:57,426 --> 00:12:59,727
(moaning)

314
00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:01,938
I got two knots in my back--

315
00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,365
one for each kid.

316
00:13:04,442 --> 00:13:06,367
(whispering)
Big Papa, what it is?

317
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:10,488
Not now, man, please.
We're working out the kinks.

318
00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,156
No, no, no, I know.
I know you're working out
the kinks.

319
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:13,866
I'm sorry to disturb you,
but, um,

320
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:15,409
have you seen Baby
Girl and Jordan?

321
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,286
Only thing that I've seen,
partner,

322
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:19,705
was inside of my eyelids.

323
00:13:19,782 --> 00:13:21,040
(laughs) Why?

324
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,250
Well, because I had
to take a call

325
00:13:22,326 --> 00:13:23,793
with the Pay-Per-View people,

326
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:26,254
and, um, you know,
I had a roadie watching them,

327
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:28,005
and I guess
they just wandered off.

328
00:13:28,082 --> 00:13:30,132
What?

329
00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:31,601
Well, I'll tell you what.

330
00:13:32,461 --> 00:13:34,053
Look until you hear some noise.

331
00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:35,680
If you hear some noise,
you find the kids.

332
00:13:35,756 --> 00:13:38,516
And when you find 'em,
staple 'em to a chair.

333
00:13:38,593 --> 00:13:40,726
Copy that, but I, uh...
Actually, we've been looking

334
00:13:40,803 --> 00:13:44,188
for them for 25 minutes, so...
You know what? Just chillax.

335
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,649
Chillax, and, um, I'm-I'm
going to take care of it.

336
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,201
We're going to look for 'em.

337
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:53,322
25 minutes?!
How am I gonna get a massage

338
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,825
while my kids are missing
for 25 minutes?

339
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,252
We're in the middle of a city.

340
00:13:57,328 --> 00:14:00,288
Something bad can happen
in 25 seconds.

341
00:14:00,364 --> 00:14:02,415
Mac Man's just going
to have to wait, America.

342
00:14:02,491 --> 00:14:05,760
It's time for Uncle Bernie
to punch back in.

343
00:14:07,830 --> 00:14:09,430
What?

344
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:12,925
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, America.

345
00:14:13,002 --> 00:14:15,094
Showing a little bosom.
(laughs)

346
00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:16,771
Bernie Jackson.

347
00:14:22,053 --> 00:14:24,020
The boy's about yea high.

348
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,605
Wears little scrawny glasses.

349
00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:27,607
He's slim,
so when you grab him,

350
00:14:27,683 --> 00:14:30,818
make sure you got a grip on him
because he's slippery.

351
00:14:30,895 --> 00:14:32,653
Baby Girl-- little bit shorter.

352
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,989
Got her hair in an Afro puff
like Mickey Mouse.

353
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,159
Only thing about Baby Girl is
she's cute, and she knows it,

354
00:14:38,235 --> 00:14:39,619
so don't make eye contact
with her

355
00:14:39,695 --> 00:14:41,370
because if you do,
she'll own you.

356
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:44,040
Charlie, Beef, take the service
tunnels, cat walks.

357
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,042
Sonia, Steve,
you take the dressing rooms.

358
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,460
Thirty minutes to curtain,
Mr. Mac.

359
00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:51,339
Thank you.
All right, let's
go find my babies.

360
00:14:51,415 --> 00:14:53,850
(people chattering)

361
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,142
Wow.

362
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:05,486
Where there's shrimp,
there's Baby Girl.

363
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,439
JERRY: Jordan?
(indistinct chatter)

364
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:12,068
Baby Girl? Jor...?
Oh, guys, guys.

365
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,794
Have you guys seen
two children?

366
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:15,488
One's an adorable little girl,
and the other one kind of looks

367
00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:18,157
like a young Republican
with, you know, snorkels?

368
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,533
He just went by.
Yeah, check up there.

369
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:23,162
Awesome. Jordan?

370
00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:24,413
Jordan, I'll tell
you right now,

371
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:25,672
do not make me
come after you...

372
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,375
(chattering)
This is so cool.

373
00:15:27,451 --> 00:15:28,909
Well, he said
he left some tickets

374
00:15:28,987 --> 00:15:31,212
for my Aunt Wanda,
so if she's not here by now,

375
00:15:31,288 --> 00:15:32,413
she's not coming.

376
00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:33,881
I bet they're
super-awesome seats!

377
00:15:33,958 --> 00:15:35,892
Hey, act 18.

378
00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:39,845
Hi. Tickets
for Wanda Mac.

379
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:40,888
(girls gasping)

380
00:15:40,965 --> 00:15:42,765
Oh, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

381
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,308
Go!

382
00:15:44,385 --> 00:15:46,644
Look, I'm telling you,
I am Bernie Mac's niece.

383
00:15:46,721 --> 00:15:48,896
You're not getting in.
Hey, Jerry?

384
00:15:48,973 --> 00:15:50,564
Wait a second, wait a second.
Charlie, I'll call you
right back.

385
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:53,192
Vanessa, what the hell
are you doing here?

386
00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:54,694
I caught these
girls trying
to sneak in.

387
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:56,737
Oh, no, no, no,
no, that's okay.
She's with me.

388
00:15:56,814 --> 00:15:58,531
I didn't know you
were coming tonight.

389
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,241
Um, yeah, see, I wanted
to surprise Uncle Bernie,

390
00:16:00,317 --> 00:16:02,076
but we don't have any tickets.

391
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:03,536
Yeah, but you
got Uncle Jerry.

392
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:05,037
Come on.
You're in.

393
00:16:05,114 --> 00:16:06,455
Oh, but remember,
it's a surprise,

394
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,290
so don't tell Uncle Bernie.

395
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,834
Vanessa, I'm-I'm
a manager, okay?

396
00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:11,502
Secrets and lies--
that's what they
pay me for.

397
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:12,512
Come on.

398
00:16:13,998 --> 00:16:16,215
<i>CHILDREN (singing):</i>
<i>♪ La-la, la-la-la ♪</i>

399
00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:18,426
<i>♪ La-la, la-la-la</i>
<i>la, la-la, la ♪</i>

400
00:16:18,502 --> 00:16:20,052
<i>♪ La, la, la ♪</i>

401
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:21,762
(clucking)

402
00:16:21,839 --> 00:16:23,723
<i>♪ La-la, la,</i>
<i>la-la, la, la, la... ♪</i>

403
00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:26,308
Where did you all go?
What y'all run off
like that for?

404
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:28,686
You wanted us gone,
so we got gone.

405
00:16:28,763 --> 00:16:30,604
Look, kids, I say things
all the time.

406
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,481
Today you all want
to get sensitive?

407
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,950
Come on, let's get on out
of here.

408
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,485
What?

409
00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,114
Oh, y'all want to hear
me say I love you.

410
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,407
Okay then, fine, kids.

411
00:16:41,484 --> 00:16:43,042
I love you.
Come on, let's go.

412
00:16:43,944 --> 00:16:45,411
Say it like
you mean it.

413
00:16:45,488 --> 00:16:48,956
Jordan, I ain't got time
for all this, man.
(shrieks)

414
00:16:49,033 --> 00:16:51,125
Jordan! Oh, for the love
of God...
Hey, man.

415
00:16:51,202 --> 00:16:53,210
All right, just in time, too,
'cause we got to get you
behind the curtain now.

416
00:16:53,287 --> 00:16:55,212
Let's go.
What? Now? I didn't get my
throat exercises.

417
00:16:55,289 --> 00:16:57,590
Oh, really?
I just lost ten pounds
trying to find your kids.

418
00:16:57,666 --> 00:16:59,633
WANDA: Hi, honey. I made it.
Hey, baby. oh.

419
00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:02,303
Hey, this is
Mr. Watanabe.
Hi.

420
00:17:02,379 --> 00:17:03,896
Mr. Hirosaki.
Hi.

421
00:17:03,973 --> 00:17:05,639
And Mr. Nosozu.
So.

422
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,433
Dirty joker man.
(laughter)

423
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:09,109
<i>Konnichiwa!</i>

424
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,062
Yeah, okay.
He's hilarious.
Come on, we got to go now.

425
00:17:11,138 --> 00:17:12,813
Okay, baby, it's showtime.
I got to go, I got to go.

426
00:17:12,890 --> 00:17:14,482
Okay, you look good, honey...
Thank you, baby.

427
00:17:14,558 --> 00:17:16,233
All right, all right,
you ready to make history?

428
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:18,277
No... not now,
not now, not
now, not now.

429
00:17:18,354 --> 00:17:19,487
You ready to make history?
You ready?

430
00:17:19,563 --> 00:17:21,489
Yeah, man,
let's go, let go.

431
00:17:21,565 --> 00:17:22,790
Hey, no, no, not now.

432
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,575
It's all right.
Everybody, just relax.

433
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:25,951
Chill it, chill it,
chill it.

434
00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:27,720
(performing
voice exercises)

435
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:29,538
You got nothing to worry about.
Just think funny. That's it.

436
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,050
In fact, just think unfunny,
'cause that makes
you more funny.

437
00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:33,751
You just have to
think like you're
a lion I a cage.

438
00:17:33,828 --> 00:17:35,878
I'm good.
Okay, and you got
to uncage yourself.

439
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:38,297
I hear you.
Uncage yourself like
a lion would uncage...

440
00:17:38,374 --> 00:17:39,974
Nessa!

441
00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:42,760
JERRY: Surprise!

442
00:17:42,837 --> 00:17:44,595
Surprise? Well, what the hell
you doing here?

443
00:17:44,672 --> 00:17:46,472
Thirty seconds.
Man, tell them to wait.
Come here.

444
00:17:46,549 --> 00:17:47,848
No, no, no, no. No time, B.
Okay, we're on Pay-Per-View.

445
00:17:47,925 --> 00:17:49,391
It's live. We got
to go. Come on.

446
00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:52,019
I can't perform like this.

447
00:17:52,096 --> 00:17:53,446
It ain't over.
You know...

448
00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:01,028
Come on, come on...
Let 'em go, let 'em go.
Let the kids...

449
00:18:01,105 --> 00:18:03,322
You been there before, Bernie.
You been there before.

450
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:06,075
Come on, come on.
You been there before.
Come on.

451
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,785
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

452
00:18:07,862 --> 00:18:09,578
the Wiltern is proud
to present...
Oh, Nessa. Jordan...

453
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:13,207
the Mac Man himself,
Mr. Bernie Mac!

454
00:18:13,284 --> 00:18:16,594
(cheering and applause)

455
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,729
Didn't I tell you all
I was coming tonight?

456
00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:31,809
You all real nice,
real nice. Nice.

457
00:18:31,886 --> 00:18:33,644
(whistling)
But I'm a little nervous, man.

458
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,396
I ain't been on stage
in a long time, man.

459
00:18:35,472 --> 00:18:36,897
I got to get my head on right.

460
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:39,066
My head...
I'm all screwed up, man.

461
00:18:39,143 --> 00:18:41,402
I got kids.
(laughter)

462
00:18:41,478 --> 00:18:43,529
Don't you want to hurt 'em?

463
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,905
Don't you just want
to snap their arm off

464
00:18:44,982 --> 00:18:46,240
and twist their head off
like a chicken wing?

465
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,575
(laughter)

466
00:18:47,651 --> 00:18:48,826
You know. And you know
what I'm talking...

467
00:18:48,903 --> 00:18:51,162
Anybody want to buy
a 15-year-old child?

468
00:18:51,238 --> 00:18:53,706
'Cause you cold-blooded
and you're saving her life.

469
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:56,458
(laughter)

470
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:58,502
Let me tell you what
the heifer did this morning.

471
00:18:58,579 --> 00:19:00,588
Woke me up,
4:00 in the morning. 4:00.

472
00:19:00,664 --> 00:19:03,299
Asked me can she come
to this show.

473
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:05,968
I told her, no,
and I'm the parent.

474
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:09,305
In her mind, she got an
instant answer within herself.

475
00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:11,307
She told herself
that she gonna come anyway

476
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:12,633
and sneak in
without me knowing.

477
00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:14,852
Well, ladies
and gentlemen,
I found out.

478
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,645
You didn't hear all that noise
back there?

479
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,072
(laughter)
I tried to be...

480
00:19:18,149 --> 00:19:20,908
But see, you can't say things,
can't say things.

481
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,943
(laughter)

482
00:19:23,020 --> 00:19:24,570
You know, I'm just confused
now, man.

483
00:19:24,647 --> 00:19:26,697
Everything is just so doggone
discombobulated now,

484
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:30,326
you can't do things no more.
Can't say nothing no more.

485
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,120
Everything is PC.

486
00:19:33,197 --> 00:19:34,705
Sure, people can't say "midget."

487
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:36,089
(laughter)

488
00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:38,050
You got to say "little people."

489
00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:40,336
Some (bleep) this damn tall.

490
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,213
That's a midget.

491
00:19:42,289 --> 00:19:44,056
(laughter)

492
00:19:45,042 --> 00:19:46,383
Like in...
Women now--

493
00:19:46,460 --> 00:19:48,168
you don't wear
no clothes now.

494
00:19:48,245 --> 00:19:50,221
You know, you're like...
you're like, uh, Bam-Bam

495
00:19:50,297 --> 00:19:52,315
and Betty Rubble,
all them cats.

496
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,757
Your chest out.

497
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:54,800
You see the dark meat
of your butt.

498
00:19:54,877 --> 00:19:57,820
You know what I mean?
(laughter)

499
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:01,482
You know, women...
You know, you see

500
00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:03,234
your daughter doing
something like that,

501
00:20:03,310 --> 00:20:06,120
you know, it crush you.

502
00:20:06,197 --> 00:20:07,488
But your son--
you see your son...

503
00:20:07,564 --> 00:20:09,123
You walk in on your son...

504
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,157
You know, you try
to be strong.

505
00:20:10,234 --> 00:20:11,200
Well, what you doing?!

506
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:12,826
(laughter)

507
00:20:12,903 --> 00:20:15,454
Put your doggone clothes
on when you get through.

508
00:20:15,531 --> 00:20:19,541
(laughter)
And take that girl on home.

509
00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:22,086
But see, you walk in
on your daughter, can't.
You won't talk like that.

510
00:20:22,162 --> 00:20:23,921
But see, you be on the phone
with your son.

511
00:20:23,998 --> 00:20:26,757
Man, I caught my son
doing a little something,
you know?

512
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,392
(laughter)

513
00:20:28,469 --> 00:20:29,843
Oh, man.

514
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,096
No, he can go, he can go,
he can go.

515
00:20:32,172 --> 00:20:33,931
(laughter)

516
00:20:34,008 --> 00:20:35,849
But you catch your daughter
doing something like...

517
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,352
What, you nasty...
just like your mama.

518
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:42,273
(laughter and clapping)

519
00:20:42,349 --> 00:20:43,524
You know something?

520
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,151
America, it just hit me.

521
00:20:46,228 --> 00:20:48,862
I spent all day
trying to avoid those kids,

522
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,198
thinking they'd stop me
from bringing my "A" game.

523
00:20:51,275 --> 00:20:55,244
but funny thing is,
they<i> gave</i> me my "A" game.

524
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,121
I mean, listen to that crowd.

525
00:20:57,197 --> 00:20:59,373
(laughter and applause)

526
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:00,883
You hear that?

527
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:05,045
I told you, America,
I was gonna be gold tonight.

528
00:21:05,122 --> 00:21:07,556
(applause)

529
00:21:46,955 --> 00:21:48,097
Captioned by Visual Data